A good friend of mine, Elvis Bubba, recently sent me an article describing a study on drinking.  The finding of the study indicated that drinking could actually make you live longer.  I don't know about you, but sometimes I wonder if I really would like to live "longer".  I thought about it for a while and sent him the following email:

Elvis,

Yeah, right. I want to live long enough to...

Be cooked, frozen or drowned as a result of global warming

Live a life like Mad Max trying to impale, run over, or slice someone in half for a gallon of gas

Be taxed for the air and sunshine I have to use to generate my own electricity since we can't have nuclear power because some dimwit can't read a frickin' gauge and will irradiate all of the east coast, Atlantic ocean and western Europe

Have my employer finally sell me to a shareholder to be their yard boy because it's more important that the shareholder be big fat, rich and happy than it is to provide a living for the stiff that actually works for the company

Be turned wrong side out every time I fly and have my clothes run through an electron microscope in search of a single atomic particle of some element that could possibly be used to make a bomb if I had a PhD from MIT

Draw 12 cents a month from Social Security because the bank is broken and couldn't be fixed since our lovely congress can't agree on anything other than who'll pay their tab when they need a 747 to fly them, their family and supporters NON-STOP back and forth to work while we can't even deduct the mileage for driving back and forth to work using $10 a gallon gasoline which is (was) mostly taxes and on roads we paid for with taxes

Be drafted into the military at age 80 to go fight in a war that nobody even cares why we're having as long as we kill the stupid bastard that doesn't have our high moral standards

Pay 20 bucks for a single carrot that was organically grown using nothing but dirt which was free in the first place but we screwed up the ground with every chemical, synthetic hormone and plastic Wal-Mart bag we could poke in it

Buy a $100 FDA approved liver pill made in India that cost 2 cents per thousand to be produced by some poor six year old kid that hasn't had a bath in five years and lives under the pill machine to which he's chained

Check that stupid box on the income tax form that insures $3 will go to the Presidential Election Campaign but inexplicably won't affect my taxes because it, apparently, comes from somebody that doesn't pay taxes or even live in this country

Watch a bigger protest every year by illegal aliens that paid $10,000 dollars to sneak into this country and work for $2.00 an hour 16 hours a day and want free medical care and a legal drivers license even though they don't want law enforcement to actually know they're here

Watch "Who Wants To Be A Decapitated American Idol" or "CSI: Gary Indiana" and see humans criticized, humiliated, robbed, tortured and left in a pool of blood and dismembered body parts because a program that shows a couple kissing or making love is too disgusting and disturbing for kids that think they can successfully re-enact Wile E. Coyote's antics like dropping an anvil on their friend's stupid head and turning them into an accordion

Read about the crazed Japanese whaling ship that ran down and slaughtered the last known surviving blue whale for "scientific" purposes

To see the Constitution of the United States, the most brilliant document ever produced by a free people, be amended with some asinine idea that we need to preserve the sanctity and holiness of “marriage between a man and a woman” no matter what their religion even if they worship a sweet gum tree because two people who actually love each other and were willing to face ridicule, joblessness, social rejection or even murder to publicly admit it just happen to be the same sex might be morally wrong or cost us more in taxes or insurance or whatever

Have another politician proclaim that they have the answer to all the countries woes and everything bad that has ever happened was the fault of the person they are running against and I just happened to vote for last time making me a total imbecile but that I could be redeemed by voting for them even though they don’t know what constitutes a sexual relationship or that driving off a bridge while drunk out of their mind and killing somebody or skimming a few million bucks off of a defense contract is part of what got us in this shape in the first place

Listen to some pea brain tell me that instead of spending $20 billion tax money on NASA, the only government research and development program that doesn’t go directly to the pockets of some con artist we would be so much better off feeding the homeless because the $1.6 trillion we already spend on social programs just isn’t enough

See our country not punish some computer hacker that destroyed the financial lives of four million U.S. citizens by stealing their personal identity because the guy lives in some third world country we are currently sending billions in humanitarian aid to and we can’t afford to alienate them since we want them to spend the money we gave them investing in our “businesses” so the poor fool that lost his identity can scratch out a meager living

Know that dinosaurs lived here a few hundred million years ago and the universe is 14 billion years old but some way the world is less than 10,000 years old however the knowledge we can extrapolate by touching every other planet, asteroid, black hole, sunspot, moon rock, comet, or cosmic dust particle will “give us a glimpse at how the earth was formed” and we will all say, incredulously and in unison, “Well I’ll be dogged!”

Realize the irony in the fact that every time I take a drink to escape the insanity we've thrust ourselves into I'll actually increase my life span so I can witness yet another day of this craziness...

It's enough to make a person NOT drink!