My Mind is Going
For years people have told me that I wasn't "right", that something was wrong with me. I'm finally coming to the conclusion that they are correct. It has become increasingly evident that my brain doesn't work like other people's. I have vivid thoughts of near cinema quality and virtually impossible to explain to others. I often picture hilarious scenes while sitting at my desk, talking with others or enduring endless meetings. I find myself doing coffee spit takes during spontaneous outbursts of laughter at inopportune times.
Just yesterday I told a 53 year old friend of mine that I had an idea for one of those Honda "Rough meets Smooth" commercials. We would have a very formal dinner table in an elegantly appointed room. Beautiful people in tuxedos and evening gowns would be eating a gourmet meal from fine china and crystal. I explained to my friend that he would be there, too. He would be dressed in a thong and flip flops and we would have wet him down with a garden hose and rolled him on the ground in the leaves and dirt. He would be completely filthy and have a tattered and soiled rag draped over his arm. He would be the server. I think it works.
My boss, who is single, has some rather high standards when it comes to women. He was complaining about not being able to find someone to date. He's pretty negative about the online dating services. As a matter of fact, he got into a big argument with some women in Argentina after one email. Anyway, after he explained to me all of the qualities a woman must have in order for him to consider them, I couldn't resist singing...
"If you want to be happy for the rest of your life,
never make a pretty woman your wife,
from my personal point of view,
find an ugly girl to marry you!"
To my amazement, he and the others that witnessed my serenade had never even heard the song before!
I spend 3/4th of my time explaining stuff to people. They never read books, they never watch movies, they never watch educational TV, they never do challenging home projects, etc. I really get tired of having to take ten minutes setting up a joke in order to tell it. The other day I was working on a presentation and was almost through when I found out that I had to use the "Corporate" presentation form. The "Corporate" form just sucked the life out of me. It abolishes creativity. You've got a choice of several slide formats with our logo plastered all over them just in case someone in the room actually forgets who they work for or maybe you don't have enough to fill a full slide and want 20% of it filled with corporate scenery. Needless to say I was appalled that such drivel would be mandated. So I told some folks that at the end of the presentation I was going to yell, "SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!" They had no idea what I was talking about. And neither do you.
Just yesterday I told a 53 year old friend of mine that I had an idea for one of those Honda "Rough meets Smooth" commercials. We would have a very formal dinner table in an elegantly appointed room. Beautiful people in tuxedos and evening gowns would be eating a gourmet meal from fine china and crystal. I explained to my friend that he would be there, too. He would be dressed in a thong and flip flops and we would have wet him down with a garden hose and rolled him on the ground in the leaves and dirt. He would be completely filthy and have a tattered and soiled rag draped over his arm. He would be the server. I think it works.
My boss, who is single, has some rather high standards when it comes to women. He was complaining about not being able to find someone to date. He's pretty negative about the online dating services. As a matter of fact, he got into a big argument with some women in Argentina after one email. Anyway, after he explained to me all of the qualities a woman must have in order for him to consider them, I couldn't resist singing...
"If you want to be happy for the rest of your life,
never make a pretty woman your wife,
from my personal point of view,
find an ugly girl to marry you!"
To my amazement, he and the others that witnessed my serenade had never even heard the song before!
I spend 3/4th of my time explaining stuff to people. They never read books, they never watch movies, they never watch educational TV, they never do challenging home projects, etc. I really get tired of having to take ten minutes setting up a joke in order to tell it. The other day I was working on a presentation and was almost through when I found out that I had to use the "Corporate" presentation form. The "Corporate" form just sucked the life out of me. It abolishes creativity. You've got a choice of several slide formats with our logo plastered all over them just in case someone in the room actually forgets who they work for or maybe you don't have enough to fill a full slide and want 20% of it filled with corporate scenery. Needless to say I was appalled that such drivel would be mandated. So I told some folks that at the end of the presentation I was going to yell, "SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!" They had no idea what I was talking about. And neither do you.
Wanna bet? May Mr. Heston rest in peace. I am coming to the conclusion that the vast majority of people today live in a vacuum. Dry humor is lost on them. Satire is a waste of time. Stupidity is rampant and ignorance is epidemic. I actually know a 21 year old woman who, until last week, did not know how to make Kool Aid. Seriously. She witnessed the complicated mechanics of dumping a cup of sugar and the packet of Kool Aid in a pitcher and adding water. "Oooohhhh!!! Is that how you make Kool Aid??? Yay! Now I can make all of that Kool Aid that's at our house!!"" God help us all.
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