The Young and Stupid
For some reason I was blessed/cursed with a very good memory. I am able to remember about 75% of all the good things that have ever happened to me and about 99.9% of all the bad or embarrassing experiences. When someone asks my most embarrassing moment it's like a virtual buffet of mortification.
One of those moments took place in the third grade (I might have already told this one). We were lined up in the elementary school hallway waiting to go practice for a Christmas program and across the hall, a little farther ahead, was a girl that I had a crush on. She was in the fifth grade, I believe, and she stood so quietly in line, her golden hair radiating like a halo. She didn't notice me at first, I'm sure, but after we stood there for a long, loong, looong time, I couldn't stand it any longer. I was never good at pick up lines, so instead...I wet my pants. I think she noticed me.
Other times I was just dumb. Kids today are a lot more savvy than we, or should I say "I" was in those days. When I was in the fourth grade there was only one creature walking the Earth that struck me as terrifying...
The wolfman. (We didn't have any Jehovah's Witnesses in Podunk) Oh, I knew he was a fake Hollywood monster but for some reason I was pretty darn sure that his existence was within the realm of possibilities. The Wizard of Oz's flying monkeys were absolutely petrifying but all they would do is pull straw out of a scarecrow and take your dog. (Of course they didn't show us what flying monkeys would really do to you. Any idea how many aerial feces bombardments that they had to cut out of that movie?) Anyway, the Wolfman dressed like your average blue collar worker and then killed people every full moon. Just look at the picture. This was somebody's father in a pissed off mood!! (I had a belt just like that except mine had a little metal pistol on a chain.) I even remember one time he took on Dracula. Of course Dracula wasn't scary because he wasn't real. I mean, biting people's necks and drinking blood...PHHFFTT! That's fake AND dumb. Really what are the odds of those two running up on each other? That's like King Kong vs. Godzilla. It's just not natural. It's not gonna happen. Now, Godzilla vs. Mothra, okay that's more believable. Fake, but geographically much more plausible.
Anyway, a friend and I thought that we could send something like $3.00 to Hollywood and get a REAL Wolfman mask. Luckily I didn't have $3.00 or I might have lost all faith in mankind. No doubt we would have put a wad of nickels and a hand scribbled note in an envelope addressed to "HOLLYWOOD" and dropped it in the mail. Instead I spent what little money I had on a plastic Wolfman model. I think it had something like two pieces, a front and a back. You glue it together and put an awful paint job on it, then set it on your shelf and be scared. It was a waste of money. Of course today it would be worth a hundred bucks, but I'm pretty sure I put a firecracker in his butt and destroyed him. You know, to this day when I hear the Beatles song "If I Fell" for whatever reason I think of walking home right after sunset, late October with a full moon rising over leafless trees and thinking the Wolfman was out there somewhere...waiting to kill me...or at least make me wet my pants.
One of those moments took place in the third grade (I might have already told this one). We were lined up in the elementary school hallway waiting to go practice for a Christmas program and across the hall, a little farther ahead, was a girl that I had a crush on. She was in the fifth grade, I believe, and she stood so quietly in line, her golden hair radiating like a halo. She didn't notice me at first, I'm sure, but after we stood there for a long, loong, looong time, I couldn't stand it any longer. I was never good at pick up lines, so instead...I wet my pants. I think she noticed me.
Other times I was just dumb. Kids today are a lot more savvy than we, or should I say "I" was in those days. When I was in the fourth grade there was only one creature walking the Earth that struck me as terrifying...
The wolfman. (We didn't have any Jehovah's Witnesses in Podunk) Oh, I knew he was a fake Hollywood monster but for some reason I was pretty darn sure that his existence was within the realm of possibilities. The Wizard of Oz's flying monkeys were absolutely petrifying but all they would do is pull straw out of a scarecrow and take your dog. (Of course they didn't show us what flying monkeys would really do to you. Any idea how many aerial feces bombardments that they had to cut out of that movie?) Anyway, the Wolfman dressed like your average blue collar worker and then killed people every full moon. Just look at the picture. This was somebody's father in a pissed off mood!! (I had a belt just like that except mine had a little metal pistol on a chain.) I even remember one time he took on Dracula. Of course Dracula wasn't scary because he wasn't real. I mean, biting people's necks and drinking blood...PHHFFTT! That's fake AND dumb. Really what are the odds of those two running up on each other? That's like King Kong vs. Godzilla. It's just not natural. It's not gonna happen. Now, Godzilla vs. Mothra, okay that's more believable. Fake, but geographically much more plausible.
Anyway, a friend and I thought that we could send something like $3.00 to Hollywood and get a REAL Wolfman mask. Luckily I didn't have $3.00 or I might have lost all faith in mankind. No doubt we would have put a wad of nickels and a hand scribbled note in an envelope addressed to "HOLLYWOOD" and dropped it in the mail. Instead I spent what little money I had on a plastic Wolfman model. I think it had something like two pieces, a front and a back. You glue it together and put an awful paint job on it, then set it on your shelf and be scared. It was a waste of money. Of course today it would be worth a hundred bucks, but I'm pretty sure I put a firecracker in his butt and destroyed him. You know, to this day when I hear the Beatles song "If I Fell" for whatever reason I think of walking home right after sunset, late October with a full moon rising over leafless trees and thinking the Wolfman was out there somewhere...waiting to kill me...or at least make me wet my pants.
Posted by TBF at 11/24/2009 10:48 PM 
Categories: History for 500 dollars
Tags: werewolf embarrass crush if i fell king kong wolfman godzilla mothra dracula
Categories: History for 500 dollars
Tags: werewolf embarrass crush if i fell king kong wolfman godzilla mothra dracula
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